Over the years I have coached many managers, business owners and employees about facing their fears. Here are three typical examples: Jane operated a business which "failed," and  now wants to start another, but is "fearful" of "failing again;"  a group of employees said "they feared their boss; and, Joe lost his job and now "fears" for his future. 

When I asked my partner about her thoughts on fear she said, "fear is the big elephant's mouse in the room." So let's take a look at this little rascal that makes the mighty elephant afraid. 

First there are many positive things to say about fear. Fear keeps us from making stupid mistakes, spending money foolishly, and taking unnecessary risks. When an impending danger faces us we rightly react instinctively with a "freeze, flight or fight" response. But when fear stops us from going forward when we should be going forward, or running away from something when we shouldn't, or being overly anxious about something that is trivial, then it's time to take a hard look at how fear holds us hostage. If you are experiencing these later situations here are eight key questions to explore: 

1. Why am I afraid? 
2. When did my "fear thing" begin? 
3. How do I keep nurturing it?  
4. What does fear make me do?  
5. How does it make me feel?    
6. How do I react to it physically? 
7. How does it affect my decision-making process? 
8. How does it affect my confidence? 

  
Now that you understand the nature of your fear, answer these four questions to begin moving forward. 

1.  Do I need someone to help me work through my fear? 
2. What strategies can I use to reduce my physical and emotional reaction to fear? 
3. What is the worst thing that can happen to me if I decide to be unafraid? 
4. When will I take the first step to overcome my fear? 

  
Let's take another look at the three scenarios mentioned at the beginning of this post.  

  "Fear of failure." 
There are probably many reasons why the first business wasn't successful. What could this person do? She should avoid the "failure trap" and think about how the first experience has taught her many good lessons. Looking at "failure" from this point of view may point her to greater success in her new business. She can also identify the weaknesses and the strengths of the first experience and treat them as learning opportunities; and  then. avoid the mistakes and build on the strengths as she prepares for her second journey. 
​
 "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."  Robert Kennedy 
 
"Fear of the boss."
 What can the employees do? First they should review why they fear their boss and confront their own fears; secondly, respectfully approach the boss and discuss the negative consequences of his behavior has on them and the culture of the organization; and thirdly, if the situation doesn't change they could seek alternate employment or, accept the givens and recognize that this is the boss's problem and not the employees.  
  
"A boss creates fear, a leader confidence. A boss fixes blame, a leader corrects mistakes. A boss knows all, a leader asks questions. A boss makes work drudgery, a leader makes it interesting." - Russell H. Ewing 
  
"Fear of the future."
​ No one can predict the future with any certainty but one thing I do know is that there is "life" after leaving a place of employment. In this case the person can look at her previous employment with an objective eye and review the results he achieved, understand his own work style and skill sets, and build a resume that outlines these qualities and achievements. This is an opportunity for him to seek the type of employment he always wanted, find a better "employment fit" for his profile and skill sets, or become self-employed. Rather than fear the future, embrace it with a positive attitude and recognize it is filled with opportunity.  
  
"The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future."  Audrey Hepburn 
 
Consider all the courageous people who overcame their fear and accomplished great things for themselves and human kind. Yes, they were afraid but they broke through their fear barrier - often with the help of others and a Higher Power. Confront the mouse in your room and you may find it's just a tiny thing anyway. 

Author: Richard P. Fontanie MSW, FCMC
Revised article from Fontanie Learning Solutions

One of my former business colleagues was a retired goldsmith. His designs and craftsmanship became the envy of all who knew him. He told me that the Canadian Diamond was one of his favorite gems. He promoted Canadian Diamonds not only for their pristine brilliance and clarity but also for the way they are mined, cut and polished in keeping with high environmental and labour standards.    

Diamonds have a unique standing in our society. They represent value, love, longevity, strength and purity. Diamonds are exchanged as gifts to express one's love and yes, sometimes forgiveness. They symbolize lasting relationships and are set in rings of gold to celebrate and cherish engagements, weddings and anniversaries.  

Before the stone becomes the gem of sparkling brilliance it is nothing more than a diamond in the rough. Are we diamonds in the rough? Can we reflect the brilliance of the diamond within us?  The answer of course is, yes. It takes the polish of practice, determination and constant honing of our skills, character and habits to get there though.  

We have heard of the dictum "give and you shall receive," but to give without expecting to receive makes our diamond shine brighter. 

• Resolving a challenge requires persistence and determination. Our diamond radiates strength when we persevere and overcome challenges. 

 

• Our ideas are worth 2%, but we increase their value to 90% by taking action. Our diamond is worth more when we successfully take action.​ 

 

• Life is full of happy and sad surprises. Our diamond reflects greater optimism when we take surprises in our stride and embrace them as opportunities for growth. 

 

• A diamond sparkles in the light. We can let our diamond be a light so that others may sparkle. 

 

• They say "diamonds are forever." Our diamond is cherished more when we develop positive relationships that last a lifetime. 

 

• Diamonds cut like a knife, so do words. Our diamond is sharpened when we watch what we say. 

What to do:  Take five minutes out from what you are doing right now and start polishing the diamond within you. ​

Want to learn more? Read a good book that will inspire you. Here's one that I enjoyed: Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, "Inspiration, Your Ultimate Calling."

There are several simple ways in which we can improve our confidence and esteem at work and in other areas of our lives. The following six strategies are in addition to those found in a previous post. Are there any you can apply immediately?  If so, practise it daily until it becomes a habit. Know that humble self-confidence and positive self-regard are critical to your over-all success. 

Socialize with Positive People:  One of the foundations of self-esteem is a sense of belonging which, in no small part, comes from our relationships with others. Toxic and negative relationships pull us down. The opposite is true as well, positive and affirmative relationships pull us up. I have witnessed many people who have improved their self-esteem and confidence when they turned away from negative and damaging relationships. People who approach life positively want to extend others a hand up, take it when it reaches out to you.

Smile:  A smile does wonders, even when you don't feel like smiling. Try this exercise: Close your eyes. Think of something that angers or frustrates you. Then put a smile on your face. How does that make you feel about what angers you? It's hard to focus on the negative when you're smiling. Some people have suggested faking a smile. The saying goes "fake it until you make it."  Faking a smile sometimes has a positive effect, but if you fake it make sure it isn't plastic as people will detect that your smile is indeed fake. A better course of action is to make your smile genuine.  When you feel genuine on the inside your smile will be genuine on the outside. Your eyes will sparkle as well. In most instances others will respond in kind or at least go away with a good feeling about what they just saw and this in turn will enhance your own self-esteem and confidence.

Take Small Steps:  Sometimes we are overwhelmed by the magnitude of a project - it seems so big we have difficulty in wrapping our head around it, so we put it off. What to do? Break down the project into sizable bites. Don't put the project on your to do list as a project, e.g. Work on Project XYZ." It's much better to identify the specific activity you can achieve today that will bring you one step closer to completing the project, for example: "clarify the objectives of XYZ project," or "complete the specific task (name it) of XYZ project." That way at the end of the day you can check off one more task towards completion. This will give you confidence going forward.

Strengthen Skills:  Sometimes our confidence is shaken when we find that we lack a skill or we don't have the knowledge to do a piece of work. This may seem like a no "brainer" but take the time to learn and don't let a mistake tear you down. A mistake is a just another learning opportunity. Learn by: practising a new skill outside the workplace; taking a course or workshop; or asking for help from your manager, colleague or friend. All great leaders and high achievers continually hone their skills. Hone yours and build confidence in the process.

Know Products and Services: Take the time to understand the products and services for which you are responsible. Our self-confidence may be weakened when someone asks "how does this work?' and our response is "I don't know." We are expected to know everything about the products and services we deliver, that is why we need to continually update ourselves about them. If we don't know how something works then ask someone who does and learn from it. Do some homework around the products or services and become a professional expert on the matter. The more we know about something the more confidently we can explain it to others.

Confront Fear:  Fear is the big elephant in the room when it comes to a lack of self-confidence. Fear comes in many forms: fear of failure, fear of what people might say, fear of hurting someone, fear of dealing with anger, fear of making a sale, fear of ________ (you fill in the blank). The best way to deal with fear is to understand where it comes from and why it makes you fearful. The great thing about fear is that we can do something about it. Remove the elephant by first affirming that fear by itself won't harm you and then take small steps to overcome it. Gradually fear will disappear and be replaced with a greater sense of self confidence.

       "Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." Marie Curie

Author: Richard P. Fontanie MSW, FCMC  -- Up-dated from the archives of Fontanie Learning Solutions.
 Image from Microsoft Clip Art

"Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment." Thomas Carlyle   ​

Self-confidence and self-esteem complement and strengthen each other. Humble confidence in what one can do and a healthy sense of well-being helps us achieve success, build relationships and enhance a positive outlook on life.
 
In a previous post I pointed out the difference between the two concepts of self-confidence and self-esteem and that business and organizational leaders seek people who have a healthy sense of both. Strengthening one's confidence and esteem is not a one time event but an on-going process. Consider the following six strategies for improving your self-confidence and self-esteem.
 
1.   Change Appearance:  How people project themselves tell us something about how they feel inside. Successful people are concerned about how they look on the outside and how they feel on the inside. Many businesses have a grooming and dress code because they know that personal appearance, especially when dealing with the public and customers, is important for their public image and workplace morale.  Present a positive image, but there is no need to be a fashion model. Your self-image is improved when you dress for success and dawn a look of success. Having a clean, neat and tasteful appearance that is appropriate for the job strengthens self-esteem on the inside and positively influences one's confidence and public persona.  
 
2.    Exercise: Boost your energy with 20 minutes of exercise a day. You don't have to join an exercise club or gym to do this. A ten-minute brisk walk three times a day will do wonders. Go for a run two to three times a week. Change your walking and running route to break the monotony. If you need encouragement find a friend or an acquaintance that will exercise with you. There are simple ways to activate your body at work as well, for example, stretch at your desk, clean your office, go for a ten-minute walk at coffee time, walk briskly to meetings and take the stairs. Setting exercise goals and achieving milestones boosts self-confidence, improves self-esteem and in the process, does wonders for one's health.
 
3.    Control Weight: Weight control is a touchy subject as there are many reasons why one may be overweight ranging from medical to self-esteem issues. If you are overweight - and you may be overweight if your waist measures more than half your height - get your weight under control. If you are overweight for medical reasons make sure you discuss this with your doctor. However, there are some basic strategies everyone can follow to control weight. Eat well balanced meals. Use simple food measuring techniques such as using the palm of your hand as a measure for meat portions; clenching your fist as a measure for vegetable portions; and a simple calorie counter to measure your sweet intake. Drink plenty of water which promotes healthy skin and fills the stomach when it craves for more food; and, replace junk food with fruit. Practice good eating habits at work too by reducing the temptation to nibble at your desk, eating donuts at meetings or fast foods for lunch, and substituting soft drinks for water. Healthy eating habits coupled with exercise will bring your weight in line with your height and waist measurement. Achieving a proper weight level will have a positive impact on your overall health and well-being.
 
4.    Celebrate Successes: Take time to celebrate an achievement, even if it is small. When building confidence, it is important to take the big thing that confronts us and break it down into pieces. That way we can work at achieving it one step at a time. After each step take a time out with a quick personal pat on the back; once a week look back and identify all the successes accomplished in the past seven days and give yourself a special reward. Successes recognized and celebrated, even by oneself, improves self-confidence and self-esteem.
 
5.    Talk to Yourself Positively: Positive affirmations work. They push us ahead when we are struggling, cheer us up when we are down, and re-calibrate our attitude in the face of negativity. Don't be afraid to say "I did a good job on this one," or "I'm all right" or, "it's a great day." You will feel better and your confidence will blossom.
 
6.    Focus on the Things You Can Control: Our anxiety grows when we think we can control the uncontrollable. Recognize what you can control and what you can't. Put aside the uncontrollable and focus on what you can control - get those tasks done, check them off and realize that each successfully completed task is another rung up the ladder to personal success and confidence.
 
What to do: If you want to strengthen your confidence then arm yourself with confidence building strategies. Review these six strategies and if one fits your situation that you can apply immediately, do it.  Practice it every day for a minimum of three weeks or until it becomes part of your behaviours. If you forget to apply it for a day or two don't fret, just reaffirm your intention and start where you left off. In a short time, you will find you are acting more positively, feeling better about yourself, projecting a stronger self-image and looking ahead with greater confidence.

Author:  Richard Fontanie MSW, FCMC   From the Archives Fontanie Learning Solutions
Image: Freedigitalphotos.net
​

          ​"Nothing builds self-esteem and self-confidence like accomplishment." 
                                                                                                        Thomas Carlyle
 
Self-confidence and self-esteem complement and strengthen each other. Humble confidence in what one can do and a healthy sense of well being helps us achieve success, build relationships and enhance a positive outlook on life.

Self-confidence is often linked with self-esteem and sometimes they are used interchangeably.  However, they are two different concepts. Self-confidence relates to skills and abilities. With a strong sense of confidence, we believe that what we do, say and act will lead to success. Self-esteem relates to how we feel about ourselves overall; it gets to our core feelings for self-regard and arises from the sum total of our positive and negative experiences. 

Strengthening one's confidence and esteem is not a one time event but an on-going process. Consider the following six strategies designed to improve your self-confidence and self-esteem.
 
Change Appearance:  How people project themselves tell us something about how they feel inside. Successful people are concerned about how they look on the outside and how they feel on the inside. Many businesses have a grooming and dress code because they know that personal appearance, especially when dealing with the public and customers, is important for their public image and workplace morale.  Present a positive image, but there is no need to be a fashion model. Your self-image is improved when you dress for success and dawn a look of success. Having a clean, neat and tasteful appearance that is appropriate for the job strengthens self-esteem on the inside and positively influences one's confidence and public persona.  
 
Exercise: Boost your energy with 20 minutes of exercise a day. You don't have to join an exercise club or gym to do this. A ten-minute brisk walk three times a day will do wonders. Go for a run two to three times a week. Change your walking and running route to break the monotony. If you need encouragement find a friend or an acquaintance that will exercise with you. There are simple ways to activate your body at work as well, for example, stretch at your desk, clean your office, go for a ten-minute walk at coffee time, walk briskly to meetings and take the stairs. Setting exercise goals and achieving milestones boosts self-confidence, improves self-esteem and in the process, does wonders for one's health.
 
Control Weight: Weight control is a touchy subject as there are many reasons why one may be overweight ranging from medical to self-esteem issues. If you are overweight - and you may be overweight if your waist measures more than half your height - get your weight under control. If you are overweight for medical reasons make sure you discuss this with your doctor. However, there are some basic strategies everyone can follow to control weight. Eat well balanced meals. Use simple food measuring techniques such as using the palm of your hand as a measure for meat portions; clenching your fist as a measure for vegetable portions; and a simple calorie counter to measure your sweet intake. Drink plenty of water which promotes healthy skin and fills the stomach when it craves for more food; and, replace junk food with fruit. Practice good eating habits at work too by reducing the temptation to nibble at your desk, eating donuts at meetings or fast foods for lunch, and substituting soft drinks for water. Healthy eating habits coupled with exercise will bring your weight in line with your height and waist measurement. Achieving a proper weight level will have a positive impact on your overall health and well-being.
 
Celebrate Successes: Take time to celebrate an achievement, even if it is small. When building confidence, it is important to take the big thing that confronts us and break it down into pieces. That way we can work at achieving it one step at a time. After each step take a time out with a quick personal pat on the back; once a week look back and identify all the successes accomplished in the past six days and give yourself a special reward. Successes recognized and celebrated, even by oneself, improves self-confidence and self-esteem.
 
Talk to Yourself Positively: Positive affirmations work. They push us ahead when we are struggling, cheer us up when we are down, and re-calibrate our attitude in the face of negativity. Don't be afraid to say "I did a good job on this one," or "I'm all right" or, "it's a great day." You will feel better and your confidence will blossom.
 
Focus on the Things You Can Control: Our anxiety grows when we think we can control the uncontrollable. Recognize what you can control and what you can't. Put aside the uncontrollable and focus on what you can control - get those tasks done, check them off and realize that each successfully completed task is another rung up the ladder to personal success and confidence.
 
What to do: If you want to strengthen your confidence then arm yourself with confidence building strategies. Review these six strategies and if one fits your situation that you can apply immediately, do it.  Practice it every day for a minimum of three weeks or until it becomes part of your behaviours. If you forget to apply it for a day or two don't fret, just reaffirm your intention and start where you left off. In a short time, you will find you are acting more positively, feeling better about yourself, projecting a stronger self-image and looking ahead with greater confidence.

Author: Richard P. Fontanie MSW, FCMC, From the Archives of Fontanie Learning Solutions.