How To relate To Someone Who Doesn't Respect Your Boundaries

Some of us often experience someone who doesn’t respect the boundaries we have set and thus leaving us feeling unsettled. We can consider these people as toxic for us. So how do we deal with them?

The first thing to remember is that we can’t change other people’s behaviour. We can only change our own. This means there is no quick fix to making people respect your boundaries. What you can do is sort out the choices you have on how you will respond to your boundary intrusions.

Is there room for compromise?
Some of our boundaries are more important than others. This suggests you set priorities on your boundaries and know which ones violate your values. With this in mind it is important to know the ones you are willing to compromise or negotiate. A willingness to compromise can be a good thing, for instance when you have a new hire or in a new relationship, where each of you are adjusting. This doesn’t mean, however, that you abandon your needs to please them.

Is it time to leave?
Here is a critical question you need to ask yourself, “Is it time to leave or disengage from someone who is violating my important boundaries?” Often we continue working or dealing with someone in the hopes that he or she will change. In hindsight this proves not to be the case. People don’t change because we want them to, they change because they want to. And if they do not want to change then our choice is to live with the person and put up with situation, or use disengagement strategies like:

• Remove yourself from unproductive conversations
• Spend less time with them
• Keep your emotions in check and don’t react to their disrespectful behavior

However there are situations when you may need to limit or have no contact with the individual at all. These are situations where someone is causing you physical and deep emotional pain. Distancing yourself from this person becomes necessary. Or, in work settings where people are continually being disrespectful of others then it is time to part ways permanently.

The basic premise here is you don’t have to put up with people who don’t make you feel good about yourself. Toxic people are not good for your physical, mental and emotional health. They may also harm you spiritually without you even realizing it. Surround yourself with people who support you and what you stand for rather than those who leave you depressed, anxious, frustrated, angry or confused.

Remember, you are in charge of you!
Your approach to your personal boundaries is really up to you. You need to understand that more often than not difficult people just want you to believe that you are the problem – you are just overreacting or being too sensitive. Let them think that way but you don’t have to agree with them or allow them to impact your boundaries. You are in charge of You, no one else is.

When you are caught in a toxic relationship whether at work, at home or in social settings, ask yourself these questions:

1. How much time do you want to give this person? Your time is important and it is best spent with people who respect you. So sort out the time limits you want to spend with the person who is disrespecting you. You may find that you really don’t have time for the person. 
2. How much mental and emotional energy do you want to invest? For example you may have a friend who is going through a difficult situation, or an employee who is experiencing health issues and you feel it necessary to emotionally support them. Again, however, if the relationship is really toxic will that leave you mentally and emotionally drained. If so you have a choice to make. There is no easy answer here.  Just remember that toxic relationships are unpleasant and energy draining. A compromise could be that you decide not to spend more time than necessary and in the process of giving some emotional support the person may begin to develop a more positive relationship with you. 
3. Am I becoming spiritually jaded? Toxic relationships can spiritually drain you. If you find you are losing sight of gratitude, forgiveness, compassion and kindness, it’s time to take a hard look at the spiritual tole the relationship has on you. Maybe it is time to take a break and spend some quiet time to restore your soul. Yes, some of your relationships may be spiritually draining so  consider discussing your situation with someone who understands this aspect of relationships. They could be a spiritual advisor, an empathetic friend or someone in your faith community. You don’t have to do this alone; seek guidance and then move on.

In conclusion looking after your personal wellbeing should always be a priority for you and setting boundaries is important in caring for yourself. After all one can only give to another if one is willing to give to oneself. This is a takeoff on the message, “love others as you love yourself.”  We need to care for ourselves, our own respect, in proportion to caring for others.

If you have further questions or want to explore this further let me know by pressing the button below and we can set up a virtual face-to-face meeting to explore your situation and whether I am the right person to help you.

Thanks for reading and as always,
Stay safe, keep healthy and continue becoming the best version of yourself.

Richard

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